So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
