"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Randomize
