i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
