I could have mohawked her pubes.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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