Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
