I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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