I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
