I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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