you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
This baby is an asshole
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
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