They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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