i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I need moral support for this bender
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
