And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
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