you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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