I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Why is there bacon in the couch?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
