:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
