I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
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