I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
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