I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Randomize
