R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
You can't motorboat a personality
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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