I accidentally had phone sex last night
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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