I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
