Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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