i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
