i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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