I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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