Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
