First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Randomize
