Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
