I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
