You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
