At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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