I faked an abortion last night.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
