Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I just forgot I was standing up.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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