I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
