I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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