note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
