Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
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When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
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Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Congratulations! We have a period
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