oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
