i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
