you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
