When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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