I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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