He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
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