she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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