i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
