He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
We don't watch enough power rangers
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
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