Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Ketchup is God's man juice
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Randomize
