Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
