I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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