Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
