So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Randomize
