Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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