i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
