Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Randomize
